I've been confused-- should I let Arun completely go or should I have a flicker of hope? Ever since I've laid my eyes on him with his reading glasses not one moment or day has gone by without me thinking about him. Is this obsession or is it love?
I try not to fantasize about him. I try to be realistic. I even try to ignore thoughts about him so that I can live my life but my heart is so filled with love for him. And of course, there are his cute cute shweet photographs.
The other thing is that whenever I have asked the universe for a sign regarding Arun he has fought with me and insulted me. Always. This is what happened 2 days ago too. Should I take that as a sign that things are meant to be this way?
I don't want hurt and pain. And I don't want him to feel any hurt and pain. He has told me things like we will never go for movies together. It's over. And that he wants distance.
I wish all these complications were not there. I wish he wasn't married. And I wish he had chosen me.
But if wishes were horses I'd be flying in the sky with him.
May be the best possible outcome is to maintain silence and process my feelings without him. Am I meant to be so lonely in life? And when will my hardships end? When will I stop smoking?
He did say that We Have Nothing to Discuss, which means he doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't reply to my messages. And may be at the moment he is focusing on his marriage.
So then I should just keep quiet and let it be.
It's not really about giving him the benefit of the doubt but about him and me being free.
He is married at the end of the day. Why do I find him so darned handsome? And so delectable? Why do I find his personality so appealing? And why is he so rude with me?
So no contact. Just let my feelings be. And live my life.
Now I'll bathe and study. Can't waste time.
I am feeling:
Deeply in love
Happy
Not confused anymore. I'll just let things be. Whatever is meant to happen is for the best.
I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
5.00 pm
I'm so lucky to have dated Arun! He just doesn't know how cute and sweet he is, how lovely, how beautiful, how delectable, how dapper!
Ps: and of course, Arun is unlikely to change his mind about me so it's best to count my losses and exit.
Ps2: Of course the hope is that Arun reciprocate my love. But that is unlikely given how insultingly he talks to me. So I should keep my self respect and dignity intact and exit. I wish I can get closure.
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