Ever since we broke up without realising it I have the habit of checking Arun's timestamps. And my mind goes into a tizzy over what he is up to. Hopefully, naming this habit will cause me to be less obsessed.
Frankly, I have had too many colas and cigarettes today. Since I've determined to really give up smoking my smoking has actually gone up.
I should not be such an overthinker! I should really take a chill pill. It's all good. Life is unravelling at its own pace.
I remember opening my Biology textbook for the first time for my 12th boards on the eve of the board exams. And yet, I almost topped.
All my life I've prepared last minute. Even for today's study and experience I prepared just last night before going to sleep around 3 am. And yet I got a thunderous applause today.
Even for tomorrow's lectures I'll be preparing now.
What does it mean when one is in a habit of preparing last minute. Procrastination, yes! But why am I such a last minute person and why oh why in God's name do I ruminate so much?! I wish I didn't overthink subliminally everything.
Something has shifted in me. I feel like I've fallen in love with Arun all over again. I have absolutely no clue what happened and why?
I so love his cuteness.
I don't think I'll tell him anything. We decided to be just friends and i don't want him to feel uncomfortable with me.
But how do I contain these feelings and what should I do about my loving heart?
I really hope Arun starts chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. All the study is stuff he naturally spews; it will really appeal to his common sense. I have a feeling he will love it.
What has happened? Why do I feel that I love Arun so much again? And where am I headed?
I REALLY WANT TO STOP SMOKING.
I MISS ARUN INORDINATELY THESE DAYS.
I am feeling:
Happy
Overthinking every small thing
Feeling a lot of love in my heart
I think I'm head over heels in love with Arun all over again. But I don't know why? And frankly, I'm slightly scared of my feelings for him. I don't want to get lost in my thoughts like this over him. I wish I had a firmer grip upon myself and my mind!
I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
9.42 pm
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