I am experiencing such a sexual longing for Arun that I'm imagining conversations with him in my head.
And I feel that when Freud said that it's all about sexuality, it's all about the id ego and superego he made a very vital point.
So what am I craving for from Arun? To love him madly, to spoil him, to take him out on many dates when I pay for us, to buy him lots of gifts, to travel with him, to succeed with him, to give him all the joys of my love for him.
Now that I think about it this is a very selfless kind of view I have of our relationship.
From whatever Rabindranath Tagore has written I feel that you are as beautiful as you gracefully express your sexuality.
These are the things I imagine. I know that it is very difficult for me and Arun to have a future, to get married and all that. So my mind doesn't wander there.
My mind wanders to a hotel room in America where me and Arun are spending quality time, a trip that I totally pay for and to take him shopping and buy him whatever his heart desires, to spoil him with money and riches and luxuries, to kind of be the breadwinner in the relationship. Why do I feel that way? What does this mean?
I love Arun a lot. I've never loved anybody else as much or put myself out there for anybody else. It's exactly 2 pm.
When I've broken up with people before at some point I've just let that person go and cut off all contact. But with Arun, I want to keep him in my life, I truly genuinely, selflessly want him to succeed and when he is struggling I want to be able to provide him the succour to sustain.
I'm so happy I'm writing this post. I hope I'll be able to focus on my studies now and not keep thinking about Arun.
I am feeling:
Sexually aroused
Happy
I am grateful for God's infinite Love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
2.08 pm
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