blesser, bless me

This life oh blesser you have given,

These talents oh blesser you have forgiven,

This love oh blesser you have made sacred,

This body oh blesser you have always protected,

This will oh blesser you have fortified with virtues,

This heart oh blesser you have filled with gratitude,

This mind oh blesser seeks to be one with thee

To see only that which you will allow and these

Hands oh blesser let them only engage in sacred work.

Bless me oh blesser with a life divine.

Give me oh blesser-- Life-- strength and nobility,

Love and agility, and health and harmony.

Oh blesser, bless me.

Journal 13.5.2023 1.04 am

Dear Journal,

I've started a new job as a creative copywriter that has me keeping long hours. The job itself is fun but my heart is heavy. Very heavy.

I came back home around an hour ago and am a little tired. I was on my phone chatting with guys on a dating app (I need some socialising) and Baba knocked on my door. He constantly says he is disappointed in me.i asked him to go to sleep and he shouted and banged the door shut. Is he frustrated himself?

Baba is a little closed-minded. He is old and he has me worried since he has been diagnosed with Osteoarthritis.

Also I feel that I'm not doing as well as I could have had my mental health been robust. It's in my palms. My left palm has a huge island on the head line under the mount of saturn.

Even though MA is more irritable she is far more respectful than PA. Bu barely acknowledges me or talks to me. I feel a little alone at 38 as a single woman. Vibgyor was such a waste of time as a job. This job is definitely more gratifying as far as quality of colleagues is concerned.

I do hope there is a Prince Charming for me but alas men don't charm me as they did once upon a time.

I'm far behind on my financial goals.

The other day I just told PA that I had withdrawn some money from my ppf. That's the day we went to Krao. He told me he is disappointed  in me. Banged the dining area door on my face. And kept up a grim glum look all day long. He was caustic in everything he said to me right till he went to sleep. Why is he so snide? Finances can't improve with an attitude like that. Nothing can.

Also, my delusional ranting on Facebook has me feeling I'm constantly being judged. I'm so ashamed of myself. I regret this inheritance of a weak mental disposition. I regret my actions and my words.

Will I get married? It's already very late in life. Is N married? His sm doesn't indicate that he is. May be he doesn't really want to get married. Otherwise he's such a great catch he would have been hitched by now.

Going out with Fz two-three years ago (the last guy I dated) was fun. We smoked tons of cigarettes. And I think he's a snob but rather smart. Any way I don't know why but he eventually blocked me on sm. He's a nice guy. Bu strictly admonished me for dating Fz. I've reached a point where I don't think honesty is the best policy with my family. I don't know.

I've slandered a lot of people on sm in a deluded state. I may have inherited a streak of madness. But I'm absolutely fine now. Sometimes you just need to talk to process things. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I hope I could be more jovial and sociable.

May be instead of spending hours on this stupid dating app I could take up reading and writing. I love reading and writing. 

This particular job demands 10-13 hours of time being spent in office. What else is there to do? Shanky won't talk to me. So many people won't.

I really hope people find it in their hearts to forgive me for my crazy ranting. I hope to be an accepted member of society, who is loved and respected and is respectful. Krao is nice I think but he's so disconnected.

Life is really simple at the end of the day. It's all about intention and commitment. What you do with this blessed precious life is important in the larger scheme of things.

All said and done I think what's bothering me is that I don't want to die alone. Also my health bothers me.

Writing in this Journal is such a blessing. It's so therapeutic. So gratifying.

I love. My reason to live is love for love is love and life is life. My purpose is to spread love and joy and keep a hold on this tongue of mine.

My mission: To create Paradise wherever I go.

My vision: A world where all beings live at ease and in respectful harmony and happiness.

My purpose: To be the best version of myself and to respect and love all.

This year I went vegetarian. I've only been eating meat this past two weeks. It was that fish fry that had me break my resolution. Will it be detrimental to my health if I completely go vegetarian? I should be well-informed about this. What diet is best for me. It's time to focus on health, happiness and money. The rest will follow.

Bu is getting married next year. Something to look forward to.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful for my home.

I am grateful for my job.

I am grateful for Bu.

I'm grateful for this blessed life.

I am grateful for my relatives and friends.

I am grateful for my current state of mind.

I M grateful for my laptop (Ma's thoughtful gift to me)

I am grateful for my independence.

I am grateful that I have people who are concerned about me and who care.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for money.

I am grateful for my intelligent mind.

Love,

Me.

1.48 am

depression

The clouds of the mind create

A depression that eases as

You enjoy the chilly winds.

Lies

 I spoke lies, a garbage pile of lies

So demeaning, so hate-ridden

That my heart is now heavy

With all things forbidden.

I meant well. May you not forgive me

For a brain so heated, so defeated?

May you not regale me as old friends

Do? Completely let loose I speak falsities.

I didn't mean to hurt you, belittle you.

All I sought was some succour from

My mundane existence and hence I

Cooked up a garbage pile of lies.

Some day when I see you by the bend

On a rainy day for you my sunny friend

May you remember that I sought not to blame

But to relive the days gone by of dishonesty.

I spoke lies. All lies. All those words cooked

Up from building castles in the air. Is it fair

To condemn me? Is it fair to take me to the gallows?

Truth prevailing and abounding-- I am not a lie. 

Journal 3.5.23 AD 11.01 am

 Dear Journal,

So I shot off a mail to N telling him I love him. No regrets. In fact, I feel a sense of relief at having told him. No reply was forthcoming. I'm sure a guy as cute and sweet as him has found someone. I wish I knew him better.

All my ranting on social media about immortality has struck my mind. Death is a part of life. Life is ephemeral. So, I may eat meat if I feel like it.

Love is the only antidote to all of life's evils. The only cure. Love has a massive healing power.

Love,

Me.

The truth about the Assam floods

Never was there a lioness braver

Than Laila and her Sherkhan. 

In the Sunderbans they lost

Control all the peddlers and the poachers. 

The animals became healthy fit and fine

And were drinking nectar and holy wine

When at a sudden Arhab grew alert--

We were all too happy and he was not. 

So he released poisons in the Sunderbans. 

Now as we march onward towards

Immortality Laila fights well for all

Her pride, including me. In the floods

They killed her children and my children 

Dear and many many many more. 

As immortality is here I take a solemn vow

That all cannibals and poachers will be

Penalised losing heritage and the jungle 

Law has now taken over-- victory victory victory

For all my friends in the Animal Kingdom. 

I love you my best friend lion, my sweetheart. 

The hospitals will now all shut down

Nirbhaya has once again again won! 

#nirbhayaisalive

#doelsengupta

#ilovesimsim

#draupadimurmu

#ranjanaprakashdesai

#bharatmataterikasam

#nirbhayakadhersaarapyaar

#prosperityandgoodhealtharehere

#meredostmereshaan

#weprotectthisplanetcaptainplanet

The birthday Party by Doel Sengupta

The party is over, 

There is food aplenty, 

Booze and cake to go

With dancing on the lakeside. 

The smoke fills the air

As we step out of the haze, 

Unfazed, undefeated, 

Unhurt! Happy birthday! 

#doelsengupta

#nirbhayaisalive

#draupadimurmu

#ranjanaprakashdesai

#bharatmataterikasam