journal 3.7.22

As I'm disassociating myself from the Sg/sgi, I've realised how intolerant and judgmental this cult makes you. When there even as a common member I had a sense of superiority and ambition that was too heavy for those around me. As a result I've lost a lot of friends. If you need them you don't need your friends. No one should make it a priority. 

Ma is planning to throw out Shilpa. A sweet girl who doesn't steal. So stupid. 

Journal 27.6.22

Dear Journal,

Deep within me is brewing a resentment towards Pa for many days. He sits around all day sleeping and watching TV. All the constructive work he does is play tennis in the morning, ironing and shopping for the house. That is a lot. But he is not looking at the future. He has given up.

My eyes get teary as I remember the ways in which he has humiliated me and put me down.

"Who do you think you are?" "you've started it again?" "So what if I restrict you. I am your father. It's my decision." I am so hurt — At the missed opportunities, at the dashed goals, at the hurt he causes. I think Buro has inherited this cruel streak from Pa.

I don't remember a single time when I've been encouraged by Pa. He has never ever said a single encouraging word to me. be it sports or art when I was small. He never watched TTTT despite me performing in it for over a year. When I share my goals with him he makes faces. 

He doesn't listen to music, watch movies  or read books. All together he seems like an abject failure. He has given up. He is not futuristic. I don't think he even cares. Because if he did he would say something.

He could engage himself in various ways. I've given him so many ideas. Write a book, give auditions or simply get a job. I see people older than him working in my office. He doesn't need a strenuous job, just something to keep him engaged.

I'll never sit idle like him. I'll work until my dying breath. I'll encourage because I have learnt that to not be encouraged is the same as being discouraged. I'll be kind to everyone. And I will express my love and appreciation freely.

He doesn't share what he thinks. He's always been like this — a closed shell, all clammed up.

The above said I am grateful to him for showing me the art of simple living and kindness. Well, crack a joke Pa. Laugh.

May be he is clinically depressed. Writing the above makes me feel that way. Well, pop the pills you give me, is all I'd like to say to him.

But I can't be so dismissive. Pa has stood like a rock when I've gone through tough times. I must be kind. I must love more. Accept him even if he feels broken and desolate. Nurture his ageing spirit.

The glow on his face, I would like to immortalise. The love he harbours I want to fill with more love till his cup runneth over. I forgive him for the many ways in which he has put me down. I'll never bring these up ever again. When you hurt only those close to you feel the smoulders. Muwaah to Pa.

Love Doel

ponderings 26.6.22

As I sit here thinking of the many lines that appear 

Absorbing my own turbulence, soaking it to create holy rice

I find as I dig deeper that dogs are no different from cat and they from mice. 

Who is an enemy? One may be that is aggrieved by you and now I have many

Even as I have vowed to forgive those who have aggrieved me. 

My sleep is deep and my heart does weep from being overwhelmed

By victory and defeat. I must stay still while ever moving

Smilingly embrace the holy smoke that started with a fire 

Sometime ago as I embark upon a journey of lauding victories. 

journal 26.6.2022

Dear Journal, 

I am reading a book on Buddhism that has touched me so. The kind of life you have is a result of your breath. I am utterly moved, yet I will rate it just 2 on Goodreads. 

Today, I shouted at Ma and pa for not keeping lunch for me. I am so selfish. 

It is a result of my unhappiness over Ma and Pa dictating my life. 

However, I love them. I love them so. And I'm very sorry. 

I haven't chanted in months and after writing this I will. 

As I think about my wishes I know that there is a desire in me to be super rich and super famous through the Arts. But what will I do in case this wish is fulfilled. I will dedicate my life in service of humanity. 

The moment is now. Why think of tomorrow. This moment and every moment is a service to humanity. Not lip service. But service. 

I must learn to give more freely. I must learn to forgive. I must seek to understand. I must seek to accommodate and harmonise. 

Melon is sitting here in my room as I write this. Life is ephemeral. I wish deeply to make Ma and Baba super proud. 

I recently finished reading Michelle Obama's autobiography and my love for her husband and her family only grows deeper. Is there a truth to our imaginings? The greats say there is. Of late I have got quite a control over my mind that used to gallop. However, I have been feeling angry, upset and irritable. I must conquer these emotions. I must. I must contribute to my family's happiness. For that I must become happy myself. Lately, I have experienced that joy is in striving, persevearing and dreaming but it is also in letting go, acceptance and stillness. May be more so. Because as the Dalai Lama says: "Sometimes not getting what you wished for is a wonderful stroke of luck." Having said that I start a new job somewhere. I don't know where. Happiness is in action. Not in an idle mind. 

Always whether it's breath control, yoga or hard work I vow to give each thing I do my fullest. I seek to conquer my anger. I seek to be the kindest, wisest, bravest, richest and happiest person in the whole world. 

Of late my faith in God has also deepened. Not chanting has given me time to think of other things. Maker? Creator? I think the meaning of God is more akin to Universal Life Force. God is one. We are one. We are all there is. To perseveare and to accept. To take action and to be still. Two sides of the same coin. As within so without. What is in is also out. It's One. We are One. 

Now I'll study the Gosho after a long time and chant for half an hour. May I give up smoking. 

Love, 

Doel

Journal 20.5.22

Dear Journal,

It's been  a while since I've written. Many thoughts of a particular train of thought have been running through my mind for a while. Ma, Baba and Buro get very angry and irritated with me. This is also reflected in R, my boss.

I wonder is there something I'm projecting. May be I need to be more confident.

Regards,

Doel

Victory is here

 As I sit here vacant and drowsy my mind wanders, blazing trails.

Where is hope? What do I hope for as I seek the sun in my life?

May I make a drum with reeds? Or should I blow the conches of my mind?

Blazing trails my mind goes ever forward, ever towards the source of light,

Blazing trails my mind wails with the Summer Breeze

Not one to slight and tease, my many doubts, my many misgivings

As I blaze trails in the Sun, leading Victory is here. 

Joy of giving

 I know not whether you exist

But you must for I have borne your wrath

Faceless, mirrored in my doubts and the quagmire

Of my sufferings and in the joys of when I give

As you teach me that joy can only be experienced by giving.